The experience of shame
By Bjørg Tofte and Malcolm Parlett
Bjørg Tofte is an experienced Gestalt therapist and has her own practice in Oslo. She has a MA in Pedagogic and a MA in Gestalt Psychotherapy. She has been a supervisor to DIXI for many years.
What is shame?
Shame is a natural human experience that has often been unrecognized. Like other reactions to situations – for instance, feeling angry, being moved by something beautiful, or crying – shame has distinctive physiological effects and bodily feelings that accompany it. Shame is variously manifested. When people feel awkward or embarrassed (after forgetting someone’s name or not knowing how to behave in a particular social setting) they are experiencing shame at a low level of intensity. Sometimes, high intensity feelings of shame can arise – these being some of the most painful emotional feelings we ever experience. As a young woman described her feelings when telling her family about her rape: “I was deeply embarrassed. I felt their eyes boring into me, my face was burning hot, I could hardly breathe, and I just wanted to disappear into a hole in the floor – but there was no escape. It was excruciating.”
Feelings of shame are, by their nature, uncomfortable. Being shamed by others, deliberately or inadvertently, increases the feeling of not being ‘right’, normal, and acceptable in others’ eyes. Teachers and parents have often used ‘shaming’ as a punishment and means of control, and most of us have experienced being shamed at some point by our peers. Each of us has developed our own ways of avoiding shame and surviving others’ criticism, ridicule, or rejection.
When we experience feelings of shame – or believe that we are about to be shamed – we try to escape, either by leaving the situation, or by manipulating what is happening (for example, diverting others’ attention or changing the subject); we try to hide our feelings and break eye contact. We may also try to ‘escape internally’, by blocking or denying our feelings even to ourselves.
For some, being shamed has been so distressing that they develop extreme ways of avoiding shameful feelings that arise – by, for instance, becoming emotionally disturbed, physically ill, aggressive towards others, or by developing a ‘shameless’ front. Common avoidances are shallow breathing, staying ‘on the surface’ conversationally, and dissociating (spacing out or not being fully present) – mindless TV-watching, eating without being hungry, not eating at all, drinking or taking drugs, or burying oneself in work. The intention is to keep the unwanted feelings at bay. However, though pushed underground, they invariably return and call out to be dealt with.
Shaming involves feeling excluded from others considered as ‘normal’
In the presence of others whom we look up to, we are especially vulnerable to experiencing shame. For instance, when a teenage boy was asked to do something physically that was beyond his strength, he felt embarrassed, especially when the instructor implied that he should be able to do it (“everybody else can, why can’t you?”). In such situations, (unfortunately still common in contexts of instruction), the result can be devastating: there is a downward spiral in which the person focused upon experiences the shame reaction, hides it, gets distracted, and loses his sense of strength and performs below his capability. The longer it goes on, the more he feels excluded and rejected by others.
Unfortunately, when someone who has been raped has contact with parents, professionals such as police or doctors, or even helpful friends – similar downward spirals can occur. A doctor, however well meaning, may not understand that even factual questions can trigger feelings of embarrassment, because they touch on sensitive and sexually intimate matters. A professional person may also feel the need to keep up her ‘objective professional-seeming’ stance, hiding her own natural human response. Parents and professionals who are excessive in expressing their deeply felt concern can also trigger shame: their ‘over-the-top’ empathic response leads to the trauma seeming magnified, leaving the person feeling more ashamed and isolated.
Because in our society sexual behaviour is private and not talked about openly and freely, people are often awkward and embarrassed airing such topics with others, especially in detail (which professionals often require). Shame reactions are bound to be present, and professional persons need to be capable of offering the right kind of sensitive support, if they are not to add to the raped person’s own feelings of distress. In short, while rape is a massive intrusion in itself, and often evokes a lot of shame, the subsequent questioning by police, lawyers, doctors, etc. can sometimes almost feel more intrusive – a ‘public’ invasion of a ‘private’ experience.
The effects of being raped
In understanding shame around having been raped, it is essential to realise that rape is a crime against the person. In fact, raped people often feel they have been mugged, poisoned, or robbed. (The Justice Minister, Knut Storberget, has likened rape to “just short of murder”.) The raped person who has feelings of shame and self-blame, needs to hear loudly and clearly that the person who rapes someone is a criminal, and that the person raped is not responsible for what has happened. Sadly, some people who have been raped have felt subtly, or not so subtly, blamed – for instance by being told, “You should not have dressed so provocatively”. Sometimes the raped person has not been believed, especially if there is no physical evidence. These gross misperceptions and misunderstandings, which seem to shift responsibility from the criminal to the abused person, increase the sense of shame experienced, which always has a component anyway of self-criticism.
Coping with shame
Shame has a ‘wanting to hide’ component. This conflicts with the natural reaction to want to open to others when we are suffering. DIXI has proven over and over again that talking through the experience of being raped can be healing, provided that the environment is altogether non-shaming and supportive. DIXI provides such a context and atmosphere. Here the raped person can be listened to sympathetically, with understanding and kindness and with no intrusive or insensitive questioning. For the raped person, to be fully ‘received’ in this way – accepted, believed, seen, heard, understood – is an essential part of recovering from the ordeal they have gone through. It is the surest way of integrating and getting over the trauma. Being accepted as an ordinary person – as someone who is having normal reactions to an abnormal event – is the beginning of healing, and lessens feelings of shame, isolation, and self blame.
As one raped woman (who knew her rapist as one of her social circle) recounted afterwards, describing her experience of recovery:
“At first, I was in shock. I was completely disoriented and confused. I felt terrible, thought I was to blame for having had a drink, and felt dirty and disgusted with myself. I hated myself, was terribly ashamed, and could not face talking about the rape with my friends who knew him – I did not think they would understand. I did not know what to do, and just wanted to die, or go to live somewhere where no one knew me or might remind me of what had happened. It was only through talking about my experience to others who had been raped and hearing their experiences – and how they had felt the same way, that I began to come to terms with what had happened for me. I stopped feeling so polluted and permanently damaged. I realized I was not responsible , that I hadn’t chosen it, and that he was the criminal, not me. Even though I decided not to press charges, I was able eventually – with the support of my group – to confront him and get him to take full responsibility for his actions. It was being able to talk openly about what had happened – in time, I could speak the details – that enabled me to move on, and not feel so ashamed and alone with it all.”
In other words, the antidote, or cure, for shame and the fear of exposure to others, is the presence of supportive others, who will not press the person to go faster in their integration than they are ready for, will not label them, or treat them in some ‘patient’ role, but will simply stay alongside them, non-judgementally, as they work through their various experiences as they arise.
Self-work with shame
Recovering from the after effects of a rape is not immediate – for some it is a very long time before they are able to come to terms with what happened to them, let alone before they can confront the perpetrator. Every person and her/his situation is unique, and each person in the position of recovering from rape handles it differently. Part of the journey entails acknowledging how shame can get in the way of living life fully – how it exercises a grip on feeling free to be oneself, especially around others. A key step is to recognize that shame feelings are usual in the circumstances of having been raped – and nothing to be ashamed about: sufferers can at least let go of ‘feeling shame of being ashamed’.
Sometimes ‘old shame’ plays a part. People often have experiences of shame, self-criticism, low self-esteem that go back to their childhood years. These can be activated by the trauma of being raped. These old patterns of feeling unworthy, deficient, or unacceptable may need the specialist help of a therapist to work through. But there are many steps that an individual coping on their own can follow, to alleviate or help manage feelings of shame that arise.
The first and best way is to find others who are ‘safe’ and trustworthy to share experiences with – people who will listen, not criticise, and who care and connect. Having a network of supportive others can help the raped person to sort out what has happened, and to differentiate what is rational and what is not rational (while being strongly felt as an experiential truth). Support, either from DIXI or from a supportive family or friendship network may be required, with others acting as ‘reminding presences’ – that the raped person is a normal and healthy being who will come through their difficult time, recovering their full dignity as a human being.
Then there are the usual ways in which people take good care of themselves – like eating well, exercising, and having relaxing times; taking note of their favourite music and listening to it; acknowledging when they need to be alone and when they need to be with others; and giving themselves ‘treats’ and opportunities to enjoy themselves in ways that are experienced as nourishing. These and other self-care measures can enhance the sense of self-worth and confidence that counters the thoughts and feelings that combine to produce the shame reaction. Herein lie the seeds of a healthful lifelong practice.
Recovery from shame can take time, but a great many have made the journey successfully. They realize that they have worth, talents, and a capacity to love and to receive love. Partly through having survived difficult times, they have become expert in being gentler towards themselves, knowing their own needs and finding inner strength and clearer boundaries. They discover they can find and hold on to the good things of life, with warmth and compassion towards themselves.
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