Don’t FUSS! Don’t say OH DEAR, POOR YOU! Instead, say: We’re so pleased you’re alive! Be patient, even if you want your child to “get well soon”! These things take time. Listen to what they’re telling you. Don’t express doubt, don’t ask questions, don’t reject them. Caring for your child in this instance will demand a lot of you – but don’t ever blame him or her!

In your eagerness to help, don’t forget to listen to whether your child wants help right this minute. The situation will fluctuate the whole time – let your child take the initiative. Work on his/her level – not your own. Don’t make decisions over his/her head. Take him/her along to chats and discussions. He/she’s been robbed of quite enough already. That feeling of keeping control is very important. Seek help within your own network. Your resources are limited, no matter how strong you are. Use other people! Ask for help when you need it. Things are going to be tough for a while. Nobody can be successful every single day. If there’s a family members’ group for the parents of rape victims – join it. Or take the initiative and set up this kind of group yourself. You need to talk to other people who are in the same boat as you. The first few days....

Even if the rape was very dramatic, families might not see any visible reactions initially. It’s so incredibly painful to accept reality at this point in time that the victim may attempt to suppress what’s happened, deny it or trivialise it. It can be difficult for family members to fathom this. They might perhaps be expecting an entirely different reaction, and start to ask questions. In this kind of desperate situation, the victim might be quick to believe the worst – don’t they believe me, do they doubt my side of the story? Descriptions such as “it was totally unreal”, “it was like I was standing and looking down on myself” and “it was like a nightmare” aren’t uncommon. Victims often also describe how they saw their lives flashing past, how it felt like time was standing still – or else how time passed incredibly quickly.

Let your child take all the time they need. It sometimes takes a while before the victim is able to realise what she’s feeling and then describe what’s happened in more detail. It’s quite common for victims to experience strong emotional outbursts, with crying and shouting, aggression and rage, agitation and feelings of anxiety and panic. These are normal reactions to an abnormal situation. All reactions are “the right ones”. Victims just have to react, rather than keeping everything locked inside.

As their family member, it’s important for you to just let them react to what’s happened. Listen to them, console them in such situations. Saying things like “let’s just start all over again”, “pull yourself together” and “haven’t you stopped paining over that yet?” will be incredibly hurtful to your child. Allow them to vent their feelings!

The most common physical reactions are nausea, vomiting or diarrhoea, sweating, palpitations, rapid pulse, dizziness, numbness in the arms and legs, trembling. In addition, the victim will also feel pain from the physical injuries sustained during the rape. The subsequent mental reactions may be so strong that the victim may feel they’ve sustained a serious illness. Of course, this leads to the victim becoming even more fearful, resulting in a vicious circle. These reactions will pass by themselves. Get them to lie down and breathe deeply if they have palpitations or feel dizzy. The most important thing is for you to be there for them. Or within easy reach, if they’d prefer you not to hover over them the whole time.

Some people feel really restless, while in others the symptoms manifest themselves in overactivity, irritability, jumpiness, watchfulness, a lack of initiative, apathy. Furthermore, they may find it difficult to remember messages and information. Write down messages, remind them about important things you’ve agreed on and other details so that you can be sure they’ve taken the information on board.